Depression. It’s a word hardly spoken but a condition deeply felt by many. According to dosomething.org, about 20 million people in the U.S. deal with depression every year, and 25% of young adults will have an episode of depression before age 24. If depression is so common, why don’t we talk about it more? Why do we act as if those who struggle with it are flawed, or carry a contagious virus?
The answer is simple: the topic makes us uncomfortable.
If we haven’t dealt with it, we have no idea how to relate to those who suffer, and even if we have experienced it, we’re reluctant to be transparent with others who could use our words of comfort. We’re afraid. We’re afraid of being uncomfortable and we’re afraid of how others may perceive us when they find out we have struggled with depression, or, even worse, are currently struggling with depression behind a smiling face. We fear rejection, and so the masquerade and silence continue.
The silence must end.
Christians are not spared, nor are they any less “Christian” for having dealt with depression (take David’s pleading Psalms and the life of Job for example). If anything, I would argue that dark times in my life have made me more loving and understanding towards others while deepening my relationship with God. Often pain is required to drive us back to the foot of the cross and remind us that our Savior is all we have and all we need.
I remember when one of my relatives went through a tough time in her life and had to take psychiatric medication. It weirded me out. Would the medication make her act differently? Would she be herself? I’m happy to say, that her trials made her a better person. She grew in God and developed healthy self-esteem and good habits, both spiritual and physical. My apprehension grew into admiration. I admired her for the strong woman she became through her trials.
There’s so much I could say about depression. I could tell you that that you can be biologically inclined towards depression (like a hereditary disorder). I could tell you that not taking care of yourself, such as not getting enough sleep and not eating well, can add to the possibility of depression. I could tell you that not controlling your emotions and letting them control you will lead to dark times. I could even say that God is not punishing you when you’re depressed and He hurts to see you hurt when you’re struggling to make meaning out of sadness.
But none of this helps when depression has taken control of your emotions, your mind, your body, and your spirit, because depression has a nasty habit of hijacking your life. When the body fights physical pain, the mind is free and able to think above the circumstances. But when the mind is ill, when serotonin levels in the brain dip below normal, the mind flounders like a fish on land. The mind is clouded, and the one organ that controls all other organs and responses (the brain), is spinning out of control.
If you’re facing depression, you have to be open to getting help. You may need to take medication, go to counseling, and through iron will, over-ride your hijacked mind. As soon as you can, you need to start doing the right things, even if you don’t feel like it. You need to exercise, eat healthy foods, make sleep a priority, and embrace relationships and transparency with those you trust. And you need to go to God daily, and moment by moment. You need to embrace His grace, and you need to be gracious and patient with yourself. Be patient with the process. Believe that things will get better, because they will with time. Believe too that you matter and God cares about you immeasurably.
What if you’re not facing depression, but know someone who is? Be patient with them. Pray for them. Let them know you’re always there for them if they need to talk, or just need someone to hang out with, but don’t pressure them. Keep tabs on them, and encourage them to get psychiatric help if necessary. The brain, like any other organ of the body, can get tired and overwhelmed and sometimes needs a little extra tender loving care.
I pray that you seek God’s face wherever you may be right now: in a valley, on the mountaintop, or somewhere in between. I also pray that if you’re in the midst of a “mountain-top” experience now, that you not forget those in the valleys. Take time to stop and help your brothers and sisters in Christ as we are all loved by the same Father.
May God’s peace and love calm your hearts and minds,
Jane
PS: I like to repeat this verse to myself when I start to feel worried and stressed, to keep myself focused on who I am in Christ: “For God has not given us a spirit of Fear, but of Power, and of Love, and of a Sound Mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7, my emphasis added)
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Peaceful Surrender: Discerning God's Will
In light of our prayerful journey in re-launching Lift Your Voice ministries, I thought it would be a good time to write on a topic I've been meaning to write about for a long time, namely, God's will.
Confession: I am a perfectionist and am afraid of making mistakes, especially making wrong decisions.
Because of this, I have lived in paralyzing anxiety over how to handle situations in my life. I would pray, but not hear an answer. I would read the Bible, but find no clarity. What if I made the wrong choice? What if I missed something God had for me? What if...? I could question my little life choices until the cows came home. Thankfully, my anxiety has improved along with my faith through, you guessed it, trials and struggles.
I discovered a key component to discerning God's will in a previous relationship. I had been praying before the relationship, and praying during the relationship, but I didn't know if it was "right." By this time, I was in my early 20s and I didn't believe in casual dating. I was dating to found a spouse, a life-time partner and companion. I was greatly conflicted, because my emotions and logic were tangled in a lovely mess. Part of me wanted to tell my brain to chill, while the other part of me wanted to tell my heart to quit interfering. People always say "listen to your heart," as if the heart and emotions are trustworthy. God himself speaks on this in Genesis 8:21, stating that "every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood." I continued to live in doubt, doubting my choices and doubting what God had for me.
Somewhere along in the relationship, I talked to my parents over my dilemma. My father wisely said to give it to God by praying "Lord, if this is your will, bless this relationship. If not, take it away. I give it to you." I was confused, because I thought I had been praying that. I realized my mouth had said the words, but my heart and my soul had not backed those words. When I finally became desperate and no longer cared if I lost the relationship, I prayed, "God, I want your will. Please bless this or take it away. I don't need him God, I need you." True to God's promise that He answers prayer, the relationship ended within the next few days. It hurt, I cried, but I had never been more at peace or more sure that I had made the right decision.
Ok, Jane, you're saying, that's all nice and your love life is fascinating, but what does this have to do with finding God's will, and why are you sharing this now?
Excellent question!
After that relationship ended, my new life motto and prayer was "Bless it or take it away." That simple. And it was liberating. I learned in my single months that God is not an eight ball you shake for answers nor a genie who gives you whatever you want, but a loving Friend and Father who gives you what you need. I learned that God wanted very little from me, that all He desired was a close relationship with me and that I love others as He loves. Love God, love others. Seek to please Him. It wasn't a matter of a checklist, or simple yes and no's. It was a daily walk with God. It was freedom to choose within His will, too. As long as I was in prayer and seeking His face with my hands not grasping onto anything, claiming things as my own, God would not steer me wrong. Things and people could pass in and out of my life without me fearing the outcome, because I was not in control, and that is a wonderful place to be.
In light of Lift Your Voice ministries, my prayer is the same: "Lord, bless this ministry by providing the things you know we need and bringing people into our lives that will help us and encourage us along the way. This ministry is yours. If this ministry is not your will, withhold your blessing, and take it away. Though we feel this is right, we want what you know is right. We trust you, Lord. Amen."
May you live in peace as you seek God through a relationship with Him and allow him to "bless or take away" things in your life.
God's peace be with you,
Jane
Confession: I am a perfectionist and am afraid of making mistakes, especially making wrong decisions.
Because of this, I have lived in paralyzing anxiety over how to handle situations in my life. I would pray, but not hear an answer. I would read the Bible, but find no clarity. What if I made the wrong choice? What if I missed something God had for me? What if...? I could question my little life choices until the cows came home. Thankfully, my anxiety has improved along with my faith through, you guessed it, trials and struggles.
I discovered a key component to discerning God's will in a previous relationship. I had been praying before the relationship, and praying during the relationship, but I didn't know if it was "right." By this time, I was in my early 20s and I didn't believe in casual dating. I was dating to found a spouse, a life-time partner and companion. I was greatly conflicted, because my emotions and logic were tangled in a lovely mess. Part of me wanted to tell my brain to chill, while the other part of me wanted to tell my heart to quit interfering. People always say "listen to your heart," as if the heart and emotions are trustworthy. God himself speaks on this in Genesis 8:21, stating that "every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood." I continued to live in doubt, doubting my choices and doubting what God had for me.
Somewhere along in the relationship, I talked to my parents over my dilemma. My father wisely said to give it to God by praying "Lord, if this is your will, bless this relationship. If not, take it away. I give it to you." I was confused, because I thought I had been praying that. I realized my mouth had said the words, but my heart and my soul had not backed those words. When I finally became desperate and no longer cared if I lost the relationship, I prayed, "God, I want your will. Please bless this or take it away. I don't need him God, I need you." True to God's promise that He answers prayer, the relationship ended within the next few days. It hurt, I cried, but I had never been more at peace or more sure that I had made the right decision.
Ok, Jane, you're saying, that's all nice and your love life is fascinating, but what does this have to do with finding God's will, and why are you sharing this now?
Excellent question!
After that relationship ended, my new life motto and prayer was "Bless it or take it away." That simple. And it was liberating. I learned in my single months that God is not an eight ball you shake for answers nor a genie who gives you whatever you want, but a loving Friend and Father who gives you what you need. I learned that God wanted very little from me, that all He desired was a close relationship with me and that I love others as He loves. Love God, love others. Seek to please Him. It wasn't a matter of a checklist, or simple yes and no's. It was a daily walk with God. It was freedom to choose within His will, too. As long as I was in prayer and seeking His face with my hands not grasping onto anything, claiming things as my own, God would not steer me wrong. Things and people could pass in and out of my life without me fearing the outcome, because I was not in control, and that is a wonderful place to be.
In light of Lift Your Voice ministries, my prayer is the same: "Lord, bless this ministry by providing the things you know we need and bringing people into our lives that will help us and encourage us along the way. This ministry is yours. If this ministry is not your will, withhold your blessing, and take it away. Though we feel this is right, we want what you know is right. We trust you, Lord. Amen."
May you live in peace as you seek God through a relationship with Him and allow him to "bless or take away" things in your life.
God's peace be with you,
Jane
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
One of my absolute favorite poems
[in Just-]
By E. E. Cummings
in Just-
spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame balloonman
whistles far and wee
and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it's
spring
when the world is puddle-wonderful
the queer
old balloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing
from hop-scotch and jump-rope and
it's
spring
and
the
goat-footed
balloonMan whistles
far
and
wee
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Freckles (an original composition)
Caramel-colored sprinkles scattered across
warm, porcelain ivory, as if God
breathed across shimmering glitter-dust,
asymmetrical constellations flung
across the peach-toned sky of
your elegant nose, regal cheek bones, majestic brow,
leaving you
Perfect.
-Jane
warm, porcelain ivory, as if God
breathed across shimmering glitter-dust,
asymmetrical constellations flung
across the peach-toned sky of
your elegant nose, regal cheek bones, majestic brow,
leaving you
Perfect.
-Jane
Home school, private school, public school? Let me be honest here:
Today's blog post is from a discussion board response I wrote to one of my peers who greatly supported homeschooling his children. These are my thoughts, my opinions, and I am in no way saying the view I hold should be the view held by everyone, but please read:
I found your article very interesting, since I have struggled with varying opinions on home school, private school, and public school education. I admire that you home school your children, and I understand the reason why many parents choose this route. I found it interesting that the main reason parents in the study wanted to home school their children was to focus on "strengthening the relationship with their child." I think this is noble, and a good goal, but I think it could be unhealthy. For instance, I am an only child. My parents, when we moved to VA and I was about to start going to my county's public schools, contemplated the idea of homeschooling. At first, I thought the idea was kind of exciting, but we didn't dwell much on it and I ended up attending public schools. I am a Christian, and I come from a Christian family, and though my family believes in having close ties, I do not think keeping me home would have been healthy. For one, I'm almost "too close" to my parents, since I'm an only child, and because of that, I would have a hard time viewing them as my educators and not my closest friends (which they are) or my mom and dad (which they will always be to me, no matter how old I am). Also, I went through a very opinionated phase in high school that would have made teaching me very difficult. Sending me to school outside of the home was beneficial in that I saw the teachers as authority figures and not my buddies. I also think I studied harder and performed better academically because of the academic competition; I knew I was capable of good grades, and I wanted to prove myself. In a nut shell, I don't think I needed to strengthen my relationship with my parents. If anything, the attachment needed to be cut and I needed to experience the world of public school in order to grow and learn, both academically, personally, and spiritually.
You ask, "Is the public school system a hostile environment for Christian children?" I am not a parent yet, and I can only form an opinion from my own perspective, but I would say yes and no. I recently was married this summer to a wonderful man of God. We do intend to have children, and we have discussed the options for educating them. He is studying to be a youth pastor, and, as this course alludes to, I'm studying to become a teacher. We have come to the conclusion that we will send our children to public school for multiple reasons, with one of the main reasons being his future career. What kind of message does it send to the students of his future youth group and their parents if we, as spiritual leaders of their children, are concerned to send our own children to the school their children attend? How can my husband preach on "being in this world and not of it," on "being salt and light," if we keep our children from the world instead of teaching them how to confront the world and change it?
I very much respect your decision and the reasons for your decision. Like I said, I'm not a parent yet, so I may change my views on educating my children when that time comes. I did want to comment on one of your statements: "God is not welcome in government schools, and therefore they lack the values and moral character development that you can achieve from Christ-centered education." I feel that though God is not publicly allowed or accepted in public schools, His presence still resides in individuals. Not all public schools are equal, and some are more traditional, some have more Christian teachers and are more accepting of Judeo-Christian beliefs. I think, as the reading of this course has shown us, we are called to be a city on a hill for our students (as teachers). And as students and parents of students, we're to encourage them to do the same, not pull them out of an environment that so desperately needs to hear about His love and hope.
I found your article very interesting, since I have struggled with varying opinions on home school, private school, and public school education. I admire that you home school your children, and I understand the reason why many parents choose this route. I found it interesting that the main reason parents in the study wanted to home school their children was to focus on "strengthening the relationship with their child." I think this is noble, and a good goal, but I think it could be unhealthy. For instance, I am an only child. My parents, when we moved to VA and I was about to start going to my county's public schools, contemplated the idea of homeschooling. At first, I thought the idea was kind of exciting, but we didn't dwell much on it and I ended up attending public schools. I am a Christian, and I come from a Christian family, and though my family believes in having close ties, I do not think keeping me home would have been healthy. For one, I'm almost "too close" to my parents, since I'm an only child, and because of that, I would have a hard time viewing them as my educators and not my closest friends (which they are) or my mom and dad (which they will always be to me, no matter how old I am). Also, I went through a very opinionated phase in high school that would have made teaching me very difficult. Sending me to school outside of the home was beneficial in that I saw the teachers as authority figures and not my buddies. I also think I studied harder and performed better academically because of the academic competition; I knew I was capable of good grades, and I wanted to prove myself. In a nut shell, I don't think I needed to strengthen my relationship with my parents. If anything, the attachment needed to be cut and I needed to experience the world of public school in order to grow and learn, both academically, personally, and spiritually.
You ask, "Is the public school system a hostile environment for Christian children?" I am not a parent yet, and I can only form an opinion from my own perspective, but I would say yes and no. I recently was married this summer to a wonderful man of God. We do intend to have children, and we have discussed the options for educating them. He is studying to be a youth pastor, and, as this course alludes to, I'm studying to become a teacher. We have come to the conclusion that we will send our children to public school for multiple reasons, with one of the main reasons being his future career. What kind of message does it send to the students of his future youth group and their parents if we, as spiritual leaders of their children, are concerned to send our own children to the school their children attend? How can my husband preach on "being in this world and not of it," on "being salt and light," if we keep our children from the world instead of teaching them how to confront the world and change it?
I very much respect your decision and the reasons for your decision. Like I said, I'm not a parent yet, so I may change my views on educating my children when that time comes. I did want to comment on one of your statements: "God is not welcome in government schools, and therefore they lack the values and moral character development that you can achieve from Christ-centered education." I feel that though God is not publicly allowed or accepted in public schools, His presence still resides in individuals. Not all public schools are equal, and some are more traditional, some have more Christian teachers and are more accepting of Judeo-Christian beliefs. I think, as the reading of this course has shown us, we are called to be a city on a hill for our students (as teachers). And as students and parents of students, we're to encourage them to do the same, not pull them out of an environment that so desperately needs to hear about His love and hope.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Results: I'm Me
Lately, I've developed a quiz addiction. Actually, I had it before, but buzzfeed makes it super convenient and answers your deepest questions like "Who is my author soulmate?" and "What decade should you really live in?" (for the curious, my results were Thoreau and the '90s). But before that, I enjoyed taking personality quizzes/tests. I did it mostly because I found it interesting, and also to "find" myself. It's as if I wanted a label for my behavior, something that allowed me to say, "why of course that's why I do that! I'm (fill in the blank)." But all the quizzes, though some were legitimately enlightening, led to the same conclusion: I don't fit in a mold.
Often I feel so many mixed up and opposite emotions, and I wonder, "Is this normal? Can I chalk this up to being a woman? Oh, I'm not PMSing...maybe it's not hormones..." How can I both love and dislike being around people at the same time? How can I hate clutter, but not be very good at organizing? How can I love logic and reasoning, yet love the artistic? So I took the quizzes: "Are you an introvert?" and "Are you left or right brained?" And well, I broke the quiz, so to speak.
Turns out, I am an introvert and an extrovert. I always called myself and extroverted introvert, meaning I am a friendly and sociable hermit, if that's possible. "They" label it as "ambivert," kind of like being ambidextrous I suppose. I guess that's kind of cool, unless one tendency decides to kick in suddenly...
Me: Wooohooo! I love get togethers! I'm going to schedule all kinds of social activities this week! Gosh, I love people!
Me...two days into the week: Ugh, people! I don't want to see any people...ever again...no one talk to me, please.
Then, everyone is rather confused, including myself. Is she being flaky? they wonder. No...I just randomly need to be a hermit.
The other quiz I broke: Are you left or right brained? Now, this one I really wanted to know an answer to, to explain my OCD tendencies and need for organization and a feeling of control. But, turns out I use both sides of my brain pretty much equally. Well darn. I'm not a pure artist, and I'm not a pure logical nerd (I use nerd lovingly, I don't think being a nerd is negative in the least). So, I'm an artistic perfectionist? I'm confused...how does that work?
Well, it looks like this:
"Why is the house such a mess? I should tidy it up..."
"No, I really want to just read a book and do a craft..."
"Lists are the bomb! I love lists..."
"Mmmm poetry is so delicious...so wonderful. Why does anyone ever complain about its ambiguity?"
"Will someone please give me a black and white answer, RIGHT NOW?"
"I think I need to doodle..."
See, it's weird.
But you know what, it's me. And, it's good. I understand introverts, and I understand extroverts (well, I understand extroverts a little less so). Also, I appreciate art and order, and I understand the more abstract while appreciating organization. What causes me such conflict, is that the logical side of me can't put me "in a box." I can't label myself, and I don't like "grey" areas. So type A... But God created me. God created me LIKE THIS. I'm one of a kind, a precious daughter to a King, and I don't need to figure out "who I am" from a quiz. I'm an artistic/organized/OCD/hermit/people-loving/reader-writer. That's my type :)
Learning to love me,
Jane
Often I feel so many mixed up and opposite emotions, and I wonder, "Is this normal? Can I chalk this up to being a woman? Oh, I'm not PMSing...maybe it's not hormones..." How can I both love and dislike being around people at the same time? How can I hate clutter, but not be very good at organizing? How can I love logic and reasoning, yet love the artistic? So I took the quizzes: "Are you an introvert?" and "Are you left or right brained?" And well, I broke the quiz, so to speak.
Turns out, I am an introvert and an extrovert. I always called myself and extroverted introvert, meaning I am a friendly and sociable hermit, if that's possible. "They" label it as "ambivert," kind of like being ambidextrous I suppose. I guess that's kind of cool, unless one tendency decides to kick in suddenly...
Me: Wooohooo! I love get togethers! I'm going to schedule all kinds of social activities this week! Gosh, I love people!
Me...two days into the week: Ugh, people! I don't want to see any people...ever again...no one talk to me, please.
Then, everyone is rather confused, including myself. Is she being flaky? they wonder. No...I just randomly need to be a hermit.
The other quiz I broke: Are you left or right brained? Now, this one I really wanted to know an answer to, to explain my OCD tendencies and need for organization and a feeling of control. But, turns out I use both sides of my brain pretty much equally. Well darn. I'm not a pure artist, and I'm not a pure logical nerd (I use nerd lovingly, I don't think being a nerd is negative in the least). So, I'm an artistic perfectionist? I'm confused...how does that work?
Well, it looks like this:
"Why is the house such a mess? I should tidy it up..."
"No, I really want to just read a book and do a craft..."
"Lists are the bomb! I love lists..."
"Mmmm poetry is so delicious...so wonderful. Why does anyone ever complain about its ambiguity?"
"Will someone please give me a black and white answer, RIGHT NOW?"
"I think I need to doodle..."
See, it's weird.
But you know what, it's me. And, it's good. I understand introverts, and I understand extroverts (well, I understand extroverts a little less so). Also, I appreciate art and order, and I understand the more abstract while appreciating organization. What causes me such conflict, is that the logical side of me can't put me "in a box." I can't label myself, and I don't like "grey" areas. So type A... But God created me. God created me LIKE THIS. I'm one of a kind, a precious daughter to a King, and I don't need to figure out "who I am" from a quiz. I'm an artistic/organized/OCD/hermit/people-loving/reader-writer. That's my type :)
Learning to love me,
Jane
Thursday, February 20, 2014
5 Things I've Learned (and reaffirmed as true) after 6 Months of Marriage
Now, I'm still learning, so don't interpret this to mean I've "arrived" or have some super, deep wisdom beyond my years. No. It's more like the things I knew to be true, I found out really are true, and the things people said were true that I doubted, well they were true too. And there were also things that I discovered to be true for myself and my marriage. Here's just a few marriage insights and tips:
1) Never go to bed angry
I thought this was cliche. Before I got married, this was the most resounding piece of advice I heard. It didn't really make sense to me...until I got married. It's much better to lay it all out in the open, "fight it out" (a fair fight, mind you), and come to some sort of resolution, than try to sleep with a bitter and resentful heart. It's just no good. It's better to stay up and find a "fix."
2) Be patient with your spouse, and yourself
People don't change overnight. Most likely, you and your significant other are not perfect (shocker). When you put two people together in the most intimate relationship God created, sparks are going to fly, and not always in the positive sense. Remember 1 Corinthians 13? What's the first line? "Love is patient..." Your spouse is going to hurt you, offend you, annoy you, etc... You are going to hurt, offend and annoy him/her. Your even going to hurt, offend and annoy yourself!!! Have patience, know that marriage is an intense learning process, and remember you both submit to the best Teacher.
3) You find what you're looking for
My husband pointed this out to me, kindly (what a man), and it's oh so true. I'm slightly OCD and very detail oriented. I hyper-analyze people's motives and intentions, and tend to read into things. I also notice anything that is less than perfect in my environment and those I'm closest too. And it's not fair. For every "flaw" I find, my husband has 10 other shining qualities I fail to see. Finding flaws does two things: discourages/hurts your spouse and hurts you. Nothing can be perfect, so you'll never be satisfied.
4) If one person wins, NO ONE WINS!
I cannot stress this enough. Marriage is a union of 2 imperfect people with very different views on life. Compromise is essential if you want to survive. If you win your battle, making him surrender to your demands, you both lose. Marriage is teamwork. In a book I read, it pointed out ways to resolve conflict. You can find a mutual compromise, you can agree that your spouse is right (or they agree you or right), or you decide the issue can be confronted later (a not now approach). Whatever the situation, waving the white flag is more noble than going down in the heat of battle.
5)Never forget the Love Triangle, EVER!
It's you, your spouse, and God. God is the glue that binds. Your love for each other is only as strong as your love for God. C. S. Lewis quote: "You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God." You can't. The strength of your relationship depends on your dependency on God, both as a couple, and individually. Never sacrifice your own quiet time. It's paramount.
I have so many more thoughts, but that's all I've got for now.
Learning to Love,
Jane Rochester
1) Never go to bed angry
I thought this was cliche. Before I got married, this was the most resounding piece of advice I heard. It didn't really make sense to me...until I got married. It's much better to lay it all out in the open, "fight it out" (a fair fight, mind you), and come to some sort of resolution, than try to sleep with a bitter and resentful heart. It's just no good. It's better to stay up and find a "fix."
2) Be patient with your spouse, and yourself
People don't change overnight. Most likely, you and your significant other are not perfect (shocker). When you put two people together in the most intimate relationship God created, sparks are going to fly, and not always in the positive sense. Remember 1 Corinthians 13? What's the first line? "Love is patient..." Your spouse is going to hurt you, offend you, annoy you, etc... You are going to hurt, offend and annoy him/her. Your even going to hurt, offend and annoy yourself!!! Have patience, know that marriage is an intense learning process, and remember you both submit to the best Teacher.
3) You find what you're looking for
My husband pointed this out to me, kindly (what a man), and it's oh so true. I'm slightly OCD and very detail oriented. I hyper-analyze people's motives and intentions, and tend to read into things. I also notice anything that is less than perfect in my environment and those I'm closest too. And it's not fair. For every "flaw" I find, my husband has 10 other shining qualities I fail to see. Finding flaws does two things: discourages/hurts your spouse and hurts you. Nothing can be perfect, so you'll never be satisfied.
4) If one person wins, NO ONE WINS!
I cannot stress this enough. Marriage is a union of 2 imperfect people with very different views on life. Compromise is essential if you want to survive. If you win your battle, making him surrender to your demands, you both lose. Marriage is teamwork. In a book I read, it pointed out ways to resolve conflict. You can find a mutual compromise, you can agree that your spouse is right (or they agree you or right), or you decide the issue can be confronted later (a not now approach). Whatever the situation, waving the white flag is more noble than going down in the heat of battle.
5)Never forget the Love Triangle, EVER!
It's you, your spouse, and God. God is the glue that binds. Your love for each other is only as strong as your love for God. C. S. Lewis quote: "You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God." You can't. The strength of your relationship depends on your dependency on God, both as a couple, and individually. Never sacrifice your own quiet time. It's paramount.
I have so many more thoughts, but that's all I've got for now.
Learning to Love,
Jane Rochester
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